All my life I have always wanted to be someone else or somewhere else. Growing up I wanted to be a female film director and work with people like Stephen Spielberg or Martin Scorsese. But this dream was soon dashed when I was informed by my parents that I had to quit college and get a full time job. (It was the Lee Sharpe Fan club incident all over again! That's a tale for another time) So I dropped out of college and got a full time job in Bastins' card shop whist also working at my local cinema as an usherette. Come January 2000 and I ended up working in a factory, meeting my future husband and getting pregnant with our first child Kiera in March 2001.
In 2003 we moved into the house we still reside in and along came Oliver in January 2005. I bounced around from job to job never finding my fit or niche. By 2012 I was working part time and seriously overweight, so I decided to get weight loss surgery. It took the next 2 years and then finally in April 2014 I had a gastric band fitted (Not my finest decision) and I rapidly began to lose weight, losing 16 stone in 8 months! But I felt good, I was in the best health I had ever been, but best of all, my confidence was through the roof...... Then I found out that I was pregnant, after suffering two miscarriages after Oliver. I was very nervous about how this pregnancy would go, But everything was fine and I worked up until I could start my Maternity leave.
Brodie was born on the 5th of October 2015, and I instantly knew things were going to get better. They did! I never returned to retail work, instead I went back to college and enrolled on a Media Makeup course. I also got married to Stephen and continued to keep any weight gain off, instead I actually lost my baby weight and another stone.
In 2018 I applied for University to do a Degree in Media Makeup, yes the course was stressful, hard, had me wanting to drop out at times, then covid 19 struck in 2020 and I had to try and do a hands on course from home, but I stuck at it and even did my 3rd year for the BA Honours degree. Because of the pandemic I hid away inside and comfort ate my way though daily tasks and uni work. Having to make myself sick just to clear my plate, when I knew in my head that I was full.
Until today I never sat down and realised how proud of myself I should be, but instead I just feel angry and upset because of wasting 6 years of weight loss that was overturned in 1 year because I was stressed, scared and most of all lazy. I can honestly say that I have no one to turn to as my best friend stabbed me in the back on my wedding day, and all other friends have no real time for me. I am alone because I can't drive to go see anyone. And when I do try to make plans, they all have something else on or someone else round. Having no friends, no job or money has brought me to a point in my life where I need and want the stress gone. I want to be able to experience the use of my degree out in the working world, but living in a small town in the south west of England and being 42, I will not have the same opportunities as some half my age who could just upsticks and move.
People will say to me or message me that I do have friends, I can have those same opportunities! BUT do I? Can I?
I'm a stressed out mum, who has had enough but I can't say anything because everyone thinks I'm complaining and starts on about the stupid "Karen MEME". So I suffer in silence.
Would the world be better off without me? I would like to think no! I am needed, I will find what I am meant to be in life and I will hopefully one day be comfortable in my own skin!!
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